(Sorry for mispellings, I am emotionally frustrated right now) *Sigh* I recently have slowly been, not interested in the 'orginazational' routine of the JWs. I have done personal research on the world, some secrets the government hide from the naive and all that good stuff. I'm pretty confident something bad is going to happen like the JW doctrine states. It's just, I have some inner conflcits. I think the problem is that the WT is TOO organzied. Theoritically, since times have changed, Jehovah's way of revealing truth to people around the world does need to change, but at the same time... I'm not liking the side effects.
I took it upon myself to do some careful study of Satan, reading books, wathcing documentaries etc. found out about possible hidden organizations around the world where 'normal' people worship him. I say normal because they are your average doctor, bussiness man, etc. you just would never know I guess. So I was left with them impression that he organizes for his goals as well, and apparantly reveals to his 'worshippers' how everything is going down and how he plans to decieve the world and what not. I'm assuming that once a person signs up to worship him they know there is know way in hell they'll get back out alive, so he doesn't care if he explains all of his plans to them. From some stuff I read, it seems he knows the truth about everything, but he twists everything so humans can bring dishonor to God or something. In the end his ultimate goal was for a one world government where everyone is forced to indirectly worship him. This was all pretty interesting, makes me aware of somethings and careful about my beliefs.
While I was researching this though, I kind of felt like there was no where to really go. The organization (IN WESTERN SOCIETY) is pretty stressing. I think a lot of people just view this routine the orgnization plants out to them as how to show love for Jehovah. I don't know about that anymore. Ever since I was young, I've had a strong since of justice and empathy for people. I would beat up the bully, I would eat with the social out casts. I did what I thought was right, not for praise, but because I wanted to live the right life, I thought that would be giving my life to Jehovah. I never pressed my beiliefs on anyone, but I would allow for people to understand my beiliefs when welcomed to do so.
I feel that serving God, is seen from your heart and character, not just if you follow certain routines. A lot of the people in the U.S. that are in the JW are pretty...simple... I guess? They FORCE this black and white mindset on everything, when its not that simple. Jesus was my role model, to be so wise and to speak great parables and illustrations. I have been able to come up with many illustrations when helping people and they have said how great they have been and I love that they help people to see and understand. But I felt alot of people want to serve Jehovah because they get to see dead loved ones are because they get to get into a so called paradise. I have NEVER had this feeling, I don't really care about a paradise, I cared about worshipping Jehovah because as the creator he deserves it and I felt like a freak because I think this way. People asked me why I never wanted to talk about seeing my dead loved ones. It's very hard to be around people when you don't feel the same as they do, and it makes it hard to go out in service, hard to do anything involved with anything. I feel like I'm slowly losing my indviduality like I'm just a pawn, but no wehre in the Bible did people have this problem, you could see all of ther personalities and character, I'm not understanding the deal. All these people are good looking, arrogant, stuck up, hypocrits, do they want eternal life to top it off? It just reminds me of those stereotypical evil-nutty overlords.
Anyway, I guess I want to blame the WTS, but at the same time I can't because I've been to a cong. in Japan and it is AMAZINGLY different. My research on Satan gave me the impression that he and his demons mostly focus thei resouces and energy in western society. So obvously if there is true religion if I was an manpilative mastermind I would make sure it was hard as hell to stay in, so that's why I hesitate to jump out, but I figure some places the JW life was not a stressful as it is in such a demonic concentrated area I guess? I was planning on moving to Japan in the near future. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do anymore...
